Exploring fantasies with a partner

First things first, everyone has sexual fantasies! So if you are thinking of something sexy you want to try, then more times than not, so is your partner. It may not be the same, but it’s not unusual for you both to have thoughts and feelings about things you haven’t tried.

However, it is also worth noting that not everyone is interested in acting out the sexual fantasy and much prefer it to remain a thought in their head. I often tell clients that sometimes our fantasies are better than reality, and it's ok if that's where you want them to stay. 

Sexual fantasies serve a variety of purposes, including helping with arousal, feeling more sexually confident and even enhancing personal pleasure and self-discovery.

What are sexual fantasies?

Sexual fantasies are imaginative thoughts, scenarios, or mental images that people create in their minds to experience sexual arousal or pleasure. They can involve various sexual activities or situations like role-play, sex toys, bondage, voyeurism, power dynamics, and group sex. 

Fantasies are highly personal and can vary greatly from person to person. It's important to note that sexual fantasies exist solely within the realm of imagination and do not necessarily reflect an individual's real-life desires or actions. They can be a healthy and normal part of human sexuality and are often used for self-exploration, enhancing sexual experiences, or mental stimulation.

The fear of being judged or shamed

Understand that having sexual fantasies is a common aspect of human sexuality. Give yourself permission to explore your own fantasies without judgment, and this can be a great way to know if you want to bring them to life with a partner. Understand that fantasies are a safe space for imagination and don't have to be shared with others unless you choose to.  

Here are my top tips for exploring them with a partner:

Tips for Exploring Your Fantasies

Self-reflection & exploration: 

Reflect on your desires, interests, and fantasies. Consider what elements or scenarios turn you on and what you want to explore further before bringing that into the conversation. If you are curious and want to act out the desired fantasy, then understanding what might happen or be needed in real life can make having the conversation a lot easier.

Consent and boundaries: 

Always prioritise consent and establish clear boundaries, whether you're exploring fantasies on your own or with a partner(s). You must prepare yourself that someone might say no to exploring the thing you like. Remember, a ‘No’ is a full sentence.

Your partner may ask more questions so be prepared to share why, what, when and how. It’s normal for someone to want to better understand why you want to explore something new. Don’t get defensive; try and explain with a calm and clear tone of voice.

Erotica & Porn:

Reading erotica or watching porn together (make sure it's ethical people!) can be a way to explore different scenarios and ideas. It can provide inspiration, help you discover new interests, and offer guidance on expressing and articulating your desires with another person. It can also be a great way to ‘try before you buy’ and see whether or not your partner is keen to explore this with you.

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Role-playing: 

Consider incorporating role-playing into your exploration if you have a willing and consensual partner(s). But remember to communicate and stay calm if things don't go as planned.

Creative expression: 

Explore creative outlets to express your fantasies, such as writing, drawing, or creating audio recordings. This can also be a great way to share with your partner what you like if speaking face to face feels daunting.

Final notes

Always prioritise consent, communication, and the well-being of yourself and any partner(s) involved. Remember that fantasies are personal and may not align with real-life desires or actions.

Seeking support

If feelings of fear or shame persist and impact your well-being or relationships, consider seeking support from a sex therapist or sex coach like myself. These sessions can provide a non-judgmental space for you to explore your feelings, understand their underlying causes, and develop strategies to overcome them.