How I Better Understood My Libido
A question I am asked frequently is 'how do I increase my sex drive,' but if you're new here or haven't heard, there is no such thing as a sex drive. Viewing sex as a drive implies that we need to do it to stay alive, like consuming food and water for survival; however, sex, other than procreating, is something we do for fun and enjoyment and because we want to, not because we have to. To my knowledge, no one has ever died from not having sex.
For a long time, I thought a sex drive was a thing, and that mine was an absolute mess. I was always keen to have sex and always easily turned on, but then when it came to having sex, I went from 10 to 0 real quick. I was so confused as to why I felt the desire to want sex all the time, but the act itself always felt like a chore. It wasn't until I read about the dual control model that I realised there was much more to unpack here.
What is the dual control model?
The dual control model was developed in the 1990s by Erick Janssen and John Bancroft, which explains our sexual behaviour and response through two key factors: the brake and the accelerator.
The accelerator is what turns you on, picking up any sexually relevant stimuli in your environment. Whether this is what you see, hear, taste, touch, or even imagine and sends signals from your brain to your genitals.
“…basically, it's all about working out what turns you on and turns you off to better understand YOU.”
The brake is what is turning you off, and this is made up of two parts. One notices all the potential threats in your environment, and the other focuses on fears such as performance, consequences, and even failure. The most important thing is that each person will engage one or both pedals to different degrees, and both pedals have to be considered during sexual arousal. So basically, it's all about working out what turns you on and turns you off to better understand YOU.
It wasn't until I started my training as a sex educator that I became familiar with the dual control model and then better understood my sexual excitation system, meaning the accelerator (SES) and sexual inhibition system, meaning the brakes (SIS).
“I can find a wide range of contexts to be sexual, and I use sex as a way to destress, which I must admit hits the nail right on the head as solo masturbation is my best friend.”
For instance, I learned that I have a high accelerator, meaning I'm pretty sensitive to sexually relevant stimuli and generally very sensitive to things like smells and taste that wouldn't usually excite most people. I can also find a wide range of contexts to be sexual, and I use sex as a way to destress, which I must admit hits the nail right on the head as solo masturbation is my best friend.
I also have a medium brake, which means stress, feeling overwhelmed, or exhaustion can reduce my interest in sexual signals. I also might find risky situations like a new partner to increase my concerns about my own sexual functioning, which would quickly turn those on's to off's.
So looking back at what I said at the start, this pretty much sums me up perfectly. I am not broken, and nothing is wrong with me; I just had to understand those off's better and then adapt to make them work to the best of my ability. The key is to listen to your wants and needs and better understanding them.
“The fear of pain and the fear of a crappy performance on my end used to stop me from wanting to have sex and, in turn, affected my arousal levels.”
For example, I enjoy masturbation, exploring new things in the bedroom, porn and being intimate. So I found it bizarre that I lost all interest in having sex with someone else physically. I knew I always found sex slightly painful, which I later found out was the cause of endometriosis, but this never crossed my mind to be something that would later be one of my brakes. The fear of pain and the fear of a crappy performance on my end used to stop me from wanting to have sex and, in turn, affected my arousal levels and turned my on's to off's.
How I improved my sex life
Once I figured this out, I then knew what changes I needed to make to help improve sex mentally and physically. Those steps were:
Investing in my health
I spent a lot of time working out why sex was painful and seeking a lot of professional help to better understanding my pain and my endometriosis pain when it came to sex. I made sure I understood my anatomy better to explain in detail to my doctor my concerns. Most importantly, I wanted to understand my body better so that I was no longer afraid or scared of the pain, especially when it came to sex.
Communication
Once I knew what was wrong and causing me to put my foot down on the breaks, I could better communicate that with my sexual partners. The fear of a crappy performance no longer stood in the way because I could talk through what I wanted in precise detail instead of running the other direction.
Treating myself
I invested in sex toys specifically designed to help those who have painful sex, especially when it came to penetrative sex. That way, I could explore and still enjoy myself and self-pleasure without fear of it hurting. The Ohnuts are perfect for this.
Once I started prioritising myself and my needs when it came to sex and identifying those on's and off's, sex went from 0 to 10 real quick.
If you want to find out how sensitive your brakes and accelerator are, you can take a sexual temperature questionnaire online. However, it's important to remember this is simply a guide.
Learning the differences between the two can sometimes help you appreciate how easily you can become aroused and what gets in the way of sexual arousal. Most people fall under 'medium'; however, if you don't, like me, that is absolutely fine, and you are still completely normal. Remember, we are all made differently, and understanding ourselves and our bodies better will only make things feel better for you.
