Why do we fake orgasms?
Why do we fake orgasms? Let's get straight to the point. Here are a few reasons why we might be faking it.
Too afraid to ask for what we like during sex
Pressure to perform (mainly penis owners) yes, they fake it too!
The need to please our partners and provide a job well done
Pretending it went well is better than them asking, "how was that for you" when it was awful
You want the whole thing to be over, so skip, or should I say scream quickly to the finishing line
Making noises turned your partner on more, so you just went with it
Now the issue isn't that we are faking it but that we have been made to believe that an orgasm is the end goal for sex. Yet, about 10% to 15% of vulva owners have never had an orgasm, and about 80% don't orgasm through penetration alone. For an orgasm to work, your mind and body must work together. So it's time we change the narrative that an orgasm is not only the end goal but also the sign of a job well done because sex is so much more!
Understanding your anatomy is fundamental to knowing what you like and feeling empowered to show a partner how to achieve pleasure, orgasm or no orgasm. The whole point of sex is to feel good and connected to the person exploring your body. I guarantee that as soon as one of you starts to speak up in bed, the other will follow suit.
To fake or not to fake?
To understand why we shouldn't fake it (unless it's your thing), let's discuss why having an orgasm is beneficial.
Orgasms boost our mood
They help us feel more connected to our bodies.
They can improve our sleep and help with stress.
They can help relieve pain
Strengthen our pelvic floor muscles
It helps us feel more connected to our sexual partners
And, of course, it feels fucking incredible
The more we fake it, the further away we get from experiencing a real orgasm. Not only do you become accustomed to it, but you start to train your mind that this is just the norm, and eventually, you'll find yourself spiralling further and further away from pleasure.
Talking about what you want can be scary, and many people avoid it out of fear, embarrassment and even offending the other person and being rejected. But if someone doesn't take into consideration your needs and finds the fact that you need a little nipple tickle or spanking to get off, then maybe they aren’t ready for your body.
It's also important to note that, on average, it takes a vulva owner 14-20 minutes to orgasm, so if it's not happening straight away, then that's completely normal. And if Vanilla sex doesn’t quite do it for you, you will have to start communicating what you need to get off. Sex isn't just a conversation between our bodies; it's also a conversation we need to have with each other before, during and after sex.
How to stop faking it?
If you have been faking it with a partner, then start to focus on a gradual change. Start to be more authentic when you are having sex and focus less on orgasm and more on feeling good and enjoying being touched in the right places. It's ok if you've been faking it, but now it's time to prioritise yourself and your pleasure if faking it is starting to affect you and your relationship with them.
If you've been faking it for years and are having casual sex, I suggest going back to the drawing board and working out what brings you an orgasm. Learn to then communicate this to your sexual partner or partners. Contrary to what you might think, people find it sexy when you ask for what you want and know what you want. Life is too short to be faking it.
