My partner wont try new things in the bedroom, why?

Over time, our libido and desire for sex and how we respond to sex can change, and these changes can happen depending on various internal and external factors. Therefore, if your partner says "no" to trying new things, it is essential to have a conversation to understand their reasons for feeling that way. 

FIRST THINGS FIRST! 

Respecting your partner's boundaries and communicating openly about your desires in the bedroom are important and necessary for a healthy and fulfilling sex life. No one should feel shame or worry about being vocal or pressured into activities they don't want to try. 

TALKING

First, try to understand your partner's perspective and what specifically they are not comfortable with. It is possible that they may have had negative experiences in the past or may simply not be interested in certain activities. Listening without judgment and respecting their feelings and choices are important. 

Offer to explore other options that may be more comfortable for your partner or suggest a compromise that works for both of you. But remember, NO is also a complete sentence.

For example: If you want to go to a sexy party with your partner, but they do not feel comfortable going, I encourage you to both write down the reasons for and against. Then discuss each point to understand each person's wants and hesitations better. 

Also, discuss what sex means to you on a more emotional and physical level. Try explaining or writing down what sex means to you, including your likes, dislikes and fantasies. 

You can download my yes, no, maybe checklist here. I encourage you to fill it out separately and then show each other to see where you both align. 

SPACE

If you want to try new things, communicate your desires in a safe and comfortable area that is not the bedroom first. Through therapy, I have learnt that removing any unwanted, triggering, or potentially tricky conversations from my place of peace and comfort is key. It can create a negative shift in your space and leave behind bad energy, so try removing these conversations from the bedroom, and if it helps (like it does me), go for a long secluded walk together where you can talk privately. 

DESIRE

Always lead a conversation with an open mind and willingness to learn from each other. Sometimes our reasons for lack of desire or change come from a place we might not quite understand yet or may not be willing to share. 

Desire and the want for sex and exploration do not always happen spontaneously. For most, it appears as responsive desire with a mix of contextual desire. The person not only has to be physically and emotionally in the right space but also needs something sexy to happen for the body to respond. 

OTHER INFLUENCES

There are also various other factors to consider regarding sex and a lack of it. Once you identify what these are/might be, it becomes easier to make some simple changes to help support you or your partner and the relationship. Other influences might include:

Mental health-related issues

Diet

Medication

Hormonal changes

Alcohol 

Time of day

Contraception

Home/work life

IT'S A TEAM EFFORT IN AND OUT OF THE BEDROOM

If a person does not have their needs met in other aspects of the relationship, this can affect how someone will act or respond regarding sex and intimacy. 

A relationship between two people needs both emotional and physical intimacy in order for it to work. Try discussing with your partner if they feel fulfilled in the relationship rather than putting blame or shame onto them for not wanting to explore things when something else might be missing. 

BE WILLING TO MAKE TOUGH CHOICES 

Ultimately a person has to be willing to work on their sex life by themselves. If you have exhausted every avenue and your partner isn't willing to work on your relationship, then you may have to make some difficult decisions. Of course, you will never meet someone who fulfils your every need or wants exactly the same things you do, especially when it comes to sex (and if you do, then you probably don't need to read this), but everyone deserves a partner who respects them and who is willing to communicate. 

OUTSIDE HELP

If you cannot find a compromise or find yourself and your partner stuck in limbo, getting help from a therapist or sex therapist may be helpful. However, both parties need to be willing to explore this option.